My Healing Snuck Up on Me - by Kathy

how the healing comes husband and wife mindsets Feb 10, 2023

My healing snuck up on me:  

 In our bad days, when Joel was in the affair, he wanted to buy the other woman some flowers. (I'll call her Jamie) 

Obviously, he couldn't just go out and buy her flowers; everyone would find out they were in an affair. 

He bought her flowers and gave them to me.  He told her that when she and her husband would come to our apartment, she would know the flowers were "hers."  

Sure enough, Jamie and I were in the kitchen making egg rolls after church for dinner.   As we came out of the kitchen, I saw the beautiful yellow roses and stopped to smell them.  "Wow, these are beautiful.  Joel got me flowers." I now know, in hindsight, she was thinking "those are my flowers, not yours."

 For those who do not know our story, Joel got into an affair in 1990/1991.  They left with the kids on April 1st, 1991. This was the exact day his father left his mom 19 years previous for another woman.  Generational curse?  Absolutely!  

I ended up in the mental hospital later that day, basically having a nervous breakdown.  My mind just melted.  I had seen so many things but denied what I saw.  I would ask him many questions, like "Are you attracted to her?" to which he would reply, "No."  (Note from Joel: The only time that someone in current adultery is lying about adultery, is when their mouth is moving. If you think your spouse is in adultery, you don't ask them. You become a super sleuth detective!)

After I got out of the hospital, Joel took  me to the very hotel where he took Jamie.  I know, crazy.

I was an abused wife. I didn't know I could say "no" at that time.  

I had been conditioned by the church that all I needed to do was just submit, keep my mouth shut, pray and do as he says. That is what ultimately kept me in abuse.

He had introduced Jamie as his wife to the owner of the hotel but when he took me there, he decided to tell the hotel owner the truth. 

Later that evening, he told me everything about their relationship, which I do not recommend. It leaves memories and those are hard to get past.

(Note from Joel: Wives often want their husbands to "tell me everything" about the affair. Please don't do that. That is self-inflicted pain. Your husband got into adultery. That is enough pain, caused by him. You don't need details. You don't need the mental pictures. There is "something" inside of many wives whose husbands commit adultery that they go to a place of seemingly wanting to self inflict more pain. Don't do that. You DO need to know HOW they met, did they use facebook, cellphone, met at lunchtimes, met when "working overtime," met at the grocery store?  These are the type of things that you do need to know in order to set up protections that will aid in adultery not firing back up. You do NOT want to know positions, what sex acts were and were not participated in and the like. Husbands do NOT lie and say that you did not have sex with the adultery partner. That just tells your wife that you think she is stupid. Admit the ugly truth, but NO details about the sex. Wives, STOP ASKING for the sex details. That is self-mutilation. Don't team up with your husband in hurting yourself more than he has already hurt you on his own.)

While he is telling me all this, he brings up the "flowers." 

As he was telling me the story, I instantly began to dislike real flowers but didn't even realize it.

From that moment forward, I would tell people, "I don't like real flowers, they die, so just get me satin flowers, they live forever." 

 As Joel began to live according to 1 Peter 3:7, I began to get healed and didn't even realize it. 

 Years later, Joel got me "real" flowers and put them on our dining room table. 

When I saw them, I was like, "Wow, those are amazing!!" I enjoyed them so much; I got in the car and went and bought more flowers to put around the house. 

I began planting flowers outside. I even called my mother and told her that when she comes to visit, she is going to see flowers planted outside and real flowers around the house. She replied with  "But you don't like real flowers."

She was right but that was yesterday's news. I got healed and didn't even realize it. 

What happened? 

How is it that all of a sudden, I was enjoying real flowers again? That was amazing to me. 

"My healing snuck up on me" and I didn't realize it.  It snuck up on me when Joel began to love me like Christ loves the church and began to live with me in an understanding way (1 Peter 3:7)

I got healed.  

A great scripture to have faith in is this:  Our Father "takes us by the arms, leads us and we don't even know we're being healed." Hosea 11:3. 

It's like you wake up one day and BAM you're healed. 

You're not reacting as you would have in the past. 

Things that would have affected you in the past, aren't affecting you anymore.   Wow! 

If you have never experienced that type of healing, jump on our train.

With God's help we can take you there; to a place in your heart where you can "forgive and forget."  

 Forgiving and Forgetting!  

 Is that possible?  

Forgiving is when you get healed and the pain is removed from the memory.  The sting is gone.  Like a splinter removed. 

Forgetting is when you get so healed that you can share those stories in your life without pain or falling apart - and now you can help others along the way. Wow!!!  Nice!  

 I know that you, like me, see the value in getting help with the right information from people who were there, to help you walk this out. 

Please reach out to us for help. Contact us for an appointment to discuss your situation and let's get you started on a road of progress toward total healing. Let's get you from misery to an outrageously happy marriage! 

Then, please pass this article on to those you know it would help. 

Please also send it to your Pastors or any other group of people whom we can help. 


Kathy (and Joel)